Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Have you ever had this much doubt in yourself?

  There are lots of things I thought I wanted to do with my future, but just never felt secure that I had the capabilities to learn.  It started when I was a child.  I used to imitate the women on the news talking in that "news reporter voice".  So I thought I wanted to be a journalist.  Now thinking back on it, a journalist is one who writes, a reporter is more like what I was aiming for.

  Then I got a little older and people told me I was a good writer.  Yes I am very aware that I make MANY grammatical errors in my writing of blogs, but I don't have an editor, and if I were to bother my one friend who is willing to edit every time I wanted to publish my writings, she would be bored out of her mind, not to mention I had a bad experience with someone editing an article I once wrote.  He changed so much, that I felt like a complete idiot because what he wrote sounded so much better than what I had said.  So that dream got dumped at the ripe old age of 19.

  My blue collar dream was to be a car mechanic.  My dad was a mechanic for my whole growing up.  He worked for Coke a Cola, and could fix any car you ever laid eyes on!  How cool is that?!  He still could fix those things...but he got smart and retired.  So when I joined the Coast Guard that was what I wanted to do...But my scores on the ASVAB (that's the aptitude test) were too low.  So at this point i'm feeling like a real winner.  Another dream lost at 19.  Hind site, maybe I should have studied a little harder for that test.

  Once I had children I discovered my love for photography.  My mom and sister were convinced that I should seek a future in it, and start up a business.  I knew I did not have enough knowledge of how to work a "real" camera.  I played around with an old camera my husband had and got some beautiful shots out of it, but never adjusted the aperture, or changed a lens on it.  I even took a short online course and just couldn't get it, then there was the creative aspect of it.  I would see other peoples photos and poses, and angles, they were geniuses  I was not.  Therefore could never make money or love what I was doing.  So instead I got my house all organized by the help of a friend and started a house cleaning business, I was to busy to take pictures, and not to mention I finally found something I felt smart enough to do, as I felt it didn't take any knowledge at all.  Looking back on this one, it actually does take a lot of reasoning...so I guess that may be a skill I possess.  I had to stop that job though do to tremendous stress. I think the stress was from trying to do too much, not necessarily the cleaning job.

This was one of my quick find "photographs"
  Then I got into digital scrapbooking and was taking advanced classes (time consuming but way worth it!)  I was working with Photoshop 5, and dreaming of CS.  So when my husband mentioned me going to college on his GI bill, I was thinking Graphic Design.  The problem with that was I was not creative. Sure if you give me a task I can complete it, but to come up with cool eye catching designs proved to be a downfall for me.  Why do I say that?  Because when I would show friends and family the stuff I had designed there was no wow factor.  I don't think my husband thought there was not much money to be made in that because he didn't push the issue.

  Over the years I just decided that I was to mentally challenged to be educated in anything that I wanted and could succeed at.  I figured this was meant to be and God just wanted me to focus on loving Him and taking care of my children...that I at least was good at.

  I am laughing because His timing is amazing.  My timing sucks.

  The thing I want to do most right now and the thing I believe I can do is help people.  My heart desires to inspire people to live a healthy lifestyle, lose unwanted weight in a healthy way without gimmicks, with the help of someone who cares more about them than their money.  That is why I have decided I want to become a personal trainer.  This feels obtainable to me because there is so much passion behind it, and so far God has blessed every effort to gain education in this endeavor.

I tell myself on almost a daily basis that:
I am not strong enough
I am not smart enough
I will gain all my weight back and get lazy being on the computer going to school all day
I only run, look at all these other people doing big things
How are you going to market yourself?
You aren't creative enough

The list goes on friends, but THIS time will be different, THIS time I am NOT listening to those negative voices, because THIS time I believe God has prepared me for this by giving me the love for people I have been praying for for years.  I have not exactly arrived in that department, but this may just be another step in my journey to get there.


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