Sunday, June 3, 2018

I can't tell my daughters I feel fat.

This is a tough post to start because there are so many entrances I could come in from.

When I had girls it didn't take long for the warnings about body image to get set in. "Never tell them you feel fat."  And such things.  "Never let them know you are human", okay not the last one, but that's how it feels."

My husband and I were incredibly conscious of how we were going to go about the "Rules of eating" with our girls.  We would never make them finish every bite on their plate and would always encourage them to make good choices.  There was more to it, but it's not the meaning of this post.

 I had slimmed down through running and I felt accomplished and wanted everyone who wanted to lose weight to feel the way I did so I became a personal trainer.

From college to now that was a five year process.

Being a personal trainer is a labor of love.  You either don't care and are just in it to make some money, or you care too much and it envelopes your whole life.  There is a very small gray area in this. It finally had taken it's toll with me.  I gave it a very honest go, and believe that I did improve over time.  By that time, burnout had set in completely.  So completely that stress accompanied the burnout.  

I've had a few upsets going in my life over the past six months that have helped this little sedentary, eat crap devil take the reigns.

Now I feel out of control, I don't know how to stop it!  Crazy has become my MO.  At least in my mind.  Just last night after a friend gave me a bunch of clothes that I barely fit into, my thoughts begin to escape my head.  "Ugh, all the weight I have gained has gone straight into my butt"  " I look 5 months pregnant!"  "I hate looking like this"  "It's my own fault"  "I feel disgusting and lazy" "I feel like you are looking at me thinking, Mom gained a lot of weight." < Yeah I said that...not my shining mom moment for sure.

All this stuff is being spoken OUT LOUD in front of...you guessed it, my two teen age daughters.

NO, NO, NO!!!  My THOUGHTS scream in my head.  "You are giving your girls negative body images!!"  "You are ruining them!"  "You should be ashamed of yourself!"  "They are never going to think positively about their bodies now because you have ruined it!"  "All those years you kept your mouth shut and you wait until they are in the most delicate time for body image in their lives to speak out?"

I feel like now that I am out of the personal training stress and into an 8-5 job that I can have a lot more control, I mean this is the exact group of women I have been training all these years, right?!  I should know a little bit about this!

But the thought now is, my kids will see me desperately trying to get my body back into a satisfactory stage for myself, does that make them think I won't love them if they don't maintain MY ideal body image?

My hope and prayer is that they understand the truth.  That I will not judge them over their physical being, that I will not feel sorry for them if they put a little weight on (I think my mom always felt sorry for me and that bugged me), that all I want is for them to love Jesus and be good additions to the human race.  

Do any of you moms go through this?  I just needed to say something and maybe find some encouragement from other MOTDs  (moms of teenage daughters) out there!