Have you ever said this to yourself? "Those girls say being thin doesn't make you happy, but I beg to differ, If I were thin I wouldn't have a care in the world!" I have said this to myself on many occasions. I said it when I was 175, I said it when I was 160, and I said it when I was 147. Now at 135, my total goal weight, I am happy to be thin, really really happy...but funny thing is...I still feel pain, I still get sad, and down in the dumps, I am still critical of myself.
First of all I know better than to put all my eggs into one basket of thinness, I know that the most important thing is a right relationship with Jesus. I have a relationship with Him, but it is not where I think it should be. I have been focusing way too much on what others think of me, and what I think of me. Truth is it should never be about me, and as much as I am constantly drilling the fact that we should not be selfish into my children's head, maybe I should pull the plank out of my own eye. I know I have been selfish my whole life, and the older I get, the worse it seems to get.
I went to church today and prayed for God to take the self out of me, to kill the flesh, help me to be humble...skrrreeeech!!! halt!!! Did I just ask God for humility? I may as well have asked him to throw some patience in there! I know what you are thinking; asking God for humility is really asking for it! The reason why is because patience and humility are something God wants us to have, but in order to obtain them He gives us opportunities to practice! There was no time wasted with this one, which right out of church I usually do face an attack or two.
We went out to eat for breakfast at a small restaurant chain. They sat me in the coldest seat where the air vent was pouring cool air on me (it wasn't more than 68 degrees outside, and not shaping up to be a hot day by any stretch of the imagination) I tried so hard not to let it bother me, but pretty soon I had my hood on, then my daughter started getting cold and jumping around. I walked up to the counter and said to the lady, "I have tried everything not to complain, but it is very cold where we are sitting" The lady told me "okay we will fix it" I usually don't believe them when they say this but for some reason I believed her. Well I shouldn't have, I began to get angry and entitled...which entitlement looks a lot like this; I am paying for this meal, she totally just ignored me, they don't even care how I feel! See all the I's in there? Then my husband was quite irritated with my attitude, which I cannot blame him and felt bad for dampening his breakfast. It was at that moment that I realized what had happened...weather it was God providing it or not...that, my friends was an opportunity to practice humility. I felt at that moment like I had failed, but was also thankful that I love and trust in a God full of grace and second chances. At that moment I decided I wouldn't blow the whole situation, so I recanted my pledge to get online and write a horrible review, I also decided against walking up to the desk and telling that girl how I couldn't even eat my food because it was cold before I could finish it, and how we would not be back and to look for my review. Instead I reflected on all the other times when I did lose my mind and ball somebody out for mistreating me, and how horrible I felt after I had done it, and decided God is right to want us to be humble. Isn't it funny when we realize how true it is that He really does know what is best for us... Here's hoping I get stronger with my humility muscle, as it really truly does take strength to back down.